please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
