Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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