I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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