I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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