apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
