that's what penises do
they tell lies.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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