my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
