My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
