The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize