I just cut my nipple shaving
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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