1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
