I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
