Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
