my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
