So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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