I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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