He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
