She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
