Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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