we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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