Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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