New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I want her autograph on my taint
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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