And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
