It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
