I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I AM VODKA MAN
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
