if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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