hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
