In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
