I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
