My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
