p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
