the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Randomize
