It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
