17 year olds will be the death of me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
