I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
