just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
