guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Randomize
