you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
