just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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