if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
