Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
