He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
