dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
this hospital has no fireball
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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