Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
