oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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