The maid of honor just puked.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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