I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
