I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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