There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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