FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
