if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
