dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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