Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
