Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
