Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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