Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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