I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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