Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
