I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
