my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
