do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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