she woke up with a sticky ear
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
