His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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