he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
