you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
