I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
