and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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