i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
