You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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