Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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