I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Houston, we have a blender
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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