I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
