rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
