Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize