Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
