Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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