I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
