i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize