He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
