I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
