Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
